To keep you from being confused, Cocksnot and Sally Corn Cobb are two really good friends and those are there actual names, there parents hate them, and were both the result of broken condoms.
The story: Lived in a house with
a good friend; we had to move out under extenuating circumstances. We
had a lot of furniture and were now moving into a much smaller residence.
The question: What to do with the excess furniture... Mainly a couch that
so many ppl had expelled bodily fluids on, and just all around unpleasantries have taken
place.
Drinking ensues...........
The Solution: Dump polluted
couch at a intersection.
Second dilemma: What to do with the one gallon burden of excess
gasoline that is monopolizing a space that could be used to carry something of more use like a case of beer, not to mention no grass would need to be mowed in our apartment so no reason to lug the heavy apparatus...
Not to far in the future: I grab the excess gas and
begin dousing the end of the couch hanging off its new location, the tailgate, Matt informs me a small amount
will suffice and it is a poor idea to add anymore than
a couple of ounces. A few moments later after of course not heeding
his warning for I am an intelligent man and know how much a three
seat couch will require, I finish emptying the entire contents of
the gallon gas receptacle over the couch and we load up.
Cocksnot driving, matt
passenger seat, Sally Corn cobb and myself in the bed. There were at least ten of us sitting at the house during our revelation and all followed in several cars behind us
to see the asininity. We pull into the bank next to 15th & Santa
fe, I tell my very slow friend Cocksnot to not stop at any point once our
sojourn has been undertaken and the contents of our carriage are alleviated
from the bed to keep from burning Sally Corn cobb and I alive in the bed of the truck like we were jews during the holocaust, but he
is a very slow neanderthal that understands very little (Cocksnot you are a
douche, and I fucking hate you). I go to light the couch Sally Corn Cobb lets
out the most shrill scream I have ever heard exact girlishly exclaimed
words were "NO JJ DON'T LIGHT IT YET!!!" but I know what I'm doing I'm
a man. The couch lights in a flash engulfing the rear end of Cocksnots (Douche
bag) truck instantly. At this point I remember Matt's lost words of advice and swearing myself for not better adhering as the entire bed of the truck is submerged with fire. Sally corn cobb is now screaming like a small girl who is upset that she did not get a lolly pop. Cocksnot
finally pulls out of the bank and onto 15th we get to the intersection
and low and behold he stops, doing the exact opposite of what I asked of him of course.. The wind reverses sending fury of flames directly on
myself and Sally corn cobb. I now join Sally Corn Cobb in screaming like a small girl and I begin
pushing at the couch feverantly with my hands trying to get it out of
the bed, I don't think Sally corn cobb did anything besides curl up into the
fetal position, and I only say this cause I think it singed a bit of
his hair, me I end up with third degree burns on my left hand a ruined
beanie that is melted in the front and the left half of my face gray
with 2nd degree burns with all the tissue dead. I looked like 2 face
from batman to give you a visual. I called in the next day to work and said I would not be
attending for a bit, and I didn't step foot out of my house for a
week. Sally Corn cobb had some fucking burnt eye brows, not even burnt but lightly singed, that guy is a bitch, and Cocksnot fo course thought it was hilarious. Either way it ended up on the news
with a picture of metal couch springs in the corner of the
intersection, with arsonist 'at large'. We had some great pictures of my face but who knows what happened to them. I had to wait a couple days
before I could go to the hospital for fear of receprocation by the local servents of the law. It was the worst pain I have ever
felt still to this day in my life... so far.
Lesson learned: Get a better driver.
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By J