Local Beer Specials

To keep you from being confused, Cocksnot and Sally Corn Cobb are two really good friends and those are there actual names, there parents hate them, and were both the result of broken condoms.

The story:  Lived in a house with a good friend; we had to move out under extenuating circumstances.  We had a lot of furniture and were now moving into a much smaller residence. 

The question:  What to do with the excess furniture...  Mainly a couch that so many ppl had expelled bodily fluids on, and just all around unpleasantries have taken place. 

Drinking ensues...........   
The Solution:  Dump polluted couch at a intersection. 

Second dilemma:  What to do with the one gallon burden of excess gasoline that is monopolizing a space that could be used to carry something of more use like a case of beer, not to mention no grass would need to be mowed in our apartment so no reason to lug the heavy apparatus... 

Not to far in the future:  I grab the excess gas and begin dousing the end of the couch hanging off its new location, the tailgate, Matt informs me a small amount will suffice and it is a poor idea to add anymore than a couple of ounces.  A few moments later after of course not heeding his warning for I am an intelligent man and know how much a three seat couch will require, I finish emptying the entire contents of the gallon gas receptacle over the couch and we load up. 

Cocksnot driving, matt passenger seat, Sally Corn cobb and myself in the bed.  There were at least ten of us sitting at the house during our revelation and all followed in several cars behind us to see the asininity.  We pull into the bank next to 15th & Santa fe, I tell my very slow friend Cocksnot to not stop at any point once our sojourn has been undertaken and the contents of our carriage are alleviated from the bed to keep from burning Sally Corn cobb and I alive in the bed of the truck like we were jews during the holocaust, but he is a very slow neanderthal that understands very little (Cocksnot you are a douche, and I fucking hate you).  I go to light the couch Sally Corn Cobb lets out the most shrill scream I have ever heard exact girlishly exclaimed words were "NO JJ DON'T LIGHT IT YET!!!" but I know what I'm doing I'm a man.  The couch lights in a flash engulfing the rear end of Cocksnots (Douche bag) truck instantly.  At this point I remember Matt's lost words of advice and swearing myself for not better adhering as the entire bed of the truck is submerged with fire.  Sally corn cobb is now screaming like a small girl who is upset that she did not get a lolly pop.  Cocksnot finally pulls out of the bank and onto 15th we get to the intersection and low and behold he stops, doing the exact opposite of what I asked of him of course..  The wind reverses sending fury of flames directly on myself and Sally corn cobb. I now join Sally Corn Cobb in screaming like a small girl and I begin pushing at the couch feverantly with my hands trying to get it out of the bed, I don't think Sally corn cobb did anything besides curl up into the fetal position, and I only say this cause I think it singed a bit of his hair, me I end up with third degree burns on my left hand a ruined beanie that is melted in the front and the left half of my face gray with 2nd degree burns with all the tissue dead.  I looked like 2 face from batman to give you a visual.  I called in the next day to work and said I would not be attending for a bit, and I didn't step foot out of my house for a week.  Sally Corn cobb had some fucking burnt eye brows, not even burnt but lightly singed, that guy is a bitch, and Cocksnot fo course thought it was hilarious.  Either way it ended up on the news with a picture of metal couch springs in the corner of the intersection, with arsonist 'at large'.  We had some great pictures of my face but who knows what happened to them.  I had to wait a couple days before I could go to the hospital for fear of receprocation by the local servents of the law.  It was the worst pain I have ever felt still to this day in my life...  so far. 

Lesson learned:  Get a better driver.

Have you ever thought about getting your lip pierced?
Did that once.  Made consuming spaghetti difficult so decided it was time to move on and remove it.

Does a kiss make you feel better?

No idea.

Have you ever passed out on the bathroom floor?

A night with tequila.
It will make you feel as if you're a jew during the holocaust with Hitler trying to get into the bathroom to evacuate you to a concentration camp.
All you can do is lay there and cry, and try not to piss your pants and definitely allow no one to enter your abode for fear of removal.

Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in?

sure unless I'm feeling froggy.

What did you do today?

Pulled my tool out of that dirty hole cleaned it up and put it back in and started drilling ahead again.

Have you ever brushed your teeth while in the shower?

Yep, tried to multitask on another event in my life as well, drinking while racing, I ended up rolling my truck.  That was the last time, one thing at a time now, I brush at the sink.

Have you had more than 3 boyfriends/girlfriends at the same time?

That would signify not one but 3 relationships of sorts so no.

Have you ever thought about your death?

I see stuff and wonder about the excruciating pain that it would cause if I did it and how long it would take before my demise.  Fucked up I know, but even the wrong speed of ingesting a muffin can cause choking.  Think about it.

Ever been in love?

Yep and pissed it away.  That's how I roll.

Would you rather be in a permanent relationship or play the field?

old school said it best.  One pussy for the rest of your life; real good Frank.

What is your favorite sport?

Rabid Weasel Tossing.  

What color is your shower curtain?


Clear with yellow rubber duckies on it, yeah I'm not even kidding..

Have you ever had stitches?


Several times in the head as a small child; thanks mom for your great parenting and supervision.

Did you believe that boys/girls had cooties?

No but I do believe that a lot of them do have std's.

Do you know how to use chop sticks?

I didn't learn to order food in mexican for nothing.

Lyrics stuck in your head?

Maybe it was Memphis maybe it was southern starry nights, maybe it was you maybe it was me but it sure felt right.
(I'll say it for you...  wtf)

Do you like the Red Sox or Yankeess?


Baseball is about as cool as child birth.

What are you doing tomorrow?

Penetrating some hole.

Who was the last person you couldn't take your eyes off of?

Chick at the gym, she had great legs I hate to stare but damn.



Have you ever given money to a homeless person?

No mother fucker can get a job; but I can say in my dad's past time he likes to get the bums to come up to his door at stop lights then he gives them job applications for waffle house and speeds away quickly.  He thinks its hilarious.  I was dumb founded when he told me this, not at the fact that some would consider it cruel but at the fact that I had never thought about doing it.
Kinda seems like one of those things you should get on video.

Have you ever run over an animal?

I hit a cat once, I stopped in the middle of the road got out of my car went and viewed the feline saw it was still alive, got back into my vehicle and backed over him/her (it was unclear as to the sex in its current condition).  Not to be cruel but the it wouldn't die and it was seriously messed up so I drove over it one more time, then carried it off the side of the road and buried it with one of my floor mats.  I was traumatized, and now needed a new set of floor mats.

I carry trash bags now.

What is your favorite cereal?

Right now perking my interests is raisin bran crunch.  I tried the new raisin bran extra bud was appalled by its lack of luster and lack of 'extra' flavor.
Damn you Post cereals your commercials have instilled in me the same confidence I have in our government.

Have you ever had an Oreo with peanut butter?

No but I once stole hub caps for a minivan.  Just as lame as that question.

What are you doing right at this moment?

Sitting adjacent from a man with a terrible speech impediment with music very loud to stop him from continuing to try and carry on a conversation about his ugly children.

Do you think its right for straight guys to get their tongue pierced?

Tongue piercings on guys are about as cool as a crack head prostitute that is trying to eat a carrot with her one remaining tooth.  Funny looking yet sad.

Where's your favorite place to be?

Sandy beach / cold beer / good company

What's your favorite song?

Songs are a lot like women, it is just wrong to pick one favorite.



Are you more of a coffee or alcohol drinker?

At this current partition of my life I'm gonna have to say alcohol.



Have you ever thrown shoes on a telephone wire?

Not my own.

Have you ever been skinny dipping?

Yeah but apparently I was the only one that got the memo on pretty much every occasion.

Have you ever been arrested?

I've got to states under my belt so far.  Nothing like the orange jump suit to bring out my blood shot eyes the next day after a drunken exploit.

Do you dream in black and white?

Last night I dreamed I was in the  Philippines on a boat made of custard with two very attractive women.  I was abruptly awoke though for work.  Damn it.  Also I later I found myself contemplating the dream and have no idea how this vessel of pudding stayed afloat or carried the weight of the three of us.
I dream in color

 
Do you talk in your sleep?

Yep I drool, pass gas and kick too.  

Do you snore?

Well I've never heard it, nor any recollection of said events taking place so no.



Are you a redneck?

Inherent with the oil field work but I try to deny it.



Funniest thing you heard all day?

This guys lisp was and frequent pauses in conversation to I don't know figure out where the fuck he is or something.  It was funny at first, but shit got old real quick, and loud music ensued.

Have you ever gotten a mosquito bite on your face?

Three times then I said no more.  I'm 10 months sober now.


What are you afraid of?
Another birthday, last year I road a bull this year I said I would sky dive, when I was drunk...  Now I'm committed. 

Alright, for anyone that is unfamiliar with the nigerian 419 scam it is ppl from Nigeria that send out fake emails telling ppl they have won an exceptional amount of cash and to collect it they must divulge there personal information such as bank accounts and addresses.  They speak very poor english and for the most part have very little idea what you are saying to them.  To sum it up you can say what ever you want and it is absolutely hilarious cause they never give up, well I guess they do if you tell them that you finger there mother.  Don't do that they wont respond and you have to find a new chump.  Enjoy

Where are the great beer specials?